Dan O'Donnell presents a parody of what Oscar winners are really saying when they give their sanctimonious speeches.
Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this. This is such a surprise. It’s such a surprise I wrote out my speech in advance because I never thought in a million years I would win.
I’d like to thank a bunch of people who I don’t really believe had anything to do with my performance being so great, because really, it was all me and only me. The writer was mediocre, the director was a jerk, but it was my performance that saved the movie. Oh, and I guess thanks to my agent for getting me a $10 million paycheck when the movie’s total budget was only $12 million.
Now I’d like to talk about some ridiculous political cause because I’m self-centered enough to believe that you care what I think. We need gun control; well, you normal people do. I have three armed bodyguards with me at all times.
I stand with women...especially the 35 of them that I cheated on my wife with in the past year. Time’s up for sexual predators in Hollywood—except of course my billionaire producer friend who give me choice roles. I’ll just continue looking the other way for another 20 years until it’s trendy to speak out or I’m forced to when The New York Times prints a picture of the two of us with some half-naked Victoria’s Secret models.
In closing, I’d just like to say that the world owes it to its children to do something about climate change. Now I’m off to Aspen on my private jet. Thank you very much.