'Totally Real Tony Evers' Explains His Confusing 'Safer at Home' Order

The absolutely real, definitely not parodied Governor of Wisconsin explains which businesses will have to close...unless they should remain open. Until they're ordered to close.

My fellow Wisconsinites, it has come to my attention that some people are confused by my order to close businesses.But really, it’s simple: I’m announcing the closure of all businesses, but not all businesses, just the businesses that will save lives by closing unless they can save lives by staying open. Those businesses should stay open, unless we need them to close. Because saving lives requires that businesses close, so we need them to close.Just not the ones that have to stay open.My order couldn’t be clearer: We are ordering businesses to close, but also stay open; to save lives by staying open and save lives by closing.If you have a business that needs to stay open to save lives, it will stay open, unless we order it to close to save lives.So to business owners across the state, I say close. But stay open. Unless you need to close. Then we are ordering you to close, unless we are ordering you to stay open. Then you must stay open unless we order you to close. There, I don't think I could be any clearer than that.

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